Oh, the Things We Have Heard, or Things NOT to say to suicidal people

NOTE: Not all of these were told to me.  These were told to some suicidal person though as I have collected these from hospitals I have visited.

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What do you have to be depressed about?

I know how you feel.

Why can’t you [be stronger and] pull yourself out of this?

Why can’t your doctor get your medications right?  (I.e., you don’t have issues, it’s just a matter of getting those pesky little chemicals right.)

It was just a cry for help.

How dare you try to abandon your two kids like that!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You exhaust me.

If you needed attention, there are better ways of getting it. You don’t have to do this.

If I had known you would turn out this way, I never would have had you.  (No, I’m not making this up.  The speaker has actually won the “Dumbest Thing a Mother Could Say” award.  (OK, I made up that last bit, but I’m sure if there were such an award, this lady would have won it.))

Would you mind if I don’t come to see you in the hospital? I will definitely come to see you next time. (I know that’s not what they meant, but still … think, then speak. Not the other way around.)

I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner, but I couldn’t find a cheap flight earlier than today.

I thought you said you’d never do this again.

So, how about them Bears? (I.e., acting like it never happened.)

You weren’t depressed as a child. You just can’t remember how happy you were. (Interpretation: If you had been depressed, we would have noticed. We weren’t too caught up in our own pursuit of hedonic escapism to notice you. You’re the one who’s sick, not us; so you must be mistaken about how YOU FELT as a child; we could not have been mistaken about how YOU FELT. You are fucked in the head because of your biological father’s genes, not because of my parenting, you fucking ungrateful little … )

(Editor’s note: And these were just from the parents!!!)

What can I do to help?!

This is probably one of the most frustrating questions family and friends (F&F) have when dealing with suicidal patients.  Unfortunately, the answer is not at all clear and probably different for each of us.  That’s not of much help; but, hey, no one ever said this was an easy disease.  I will try to list some of the thoughts I’ve had over the years.  If I end up contradicting earlier posts, just keep in mind that I am in a fairly good mood now, which may not have been true when I wrote the previous comments.  And, in any mood, I am full of contradictions.  (I am losing weight, but I am still large enough to contain multiples, if not multitudes.  Perhaps when I get down to 190 lbs. I’ll be of a single mind!)

There is one thing I must say emphatically before giving any useful advice (such as I might give): do not try to convince your loved one that they shouldn’t be depressed!  Spewing a list of reasons someone shouldn’t be depressed or suicidal to someone who is depressed or suicidal, will only cause anger and resentment.  Why?  For you warm and fuzzy types, acknowledging our current state of mind validates our humanity and reality (subjective though it may be) giving us the feeling that someone understands us — in particular, that our thoughts are crazy, but we are not.  For you logical folks, I’m affraid a somewhat longer-winded explanation is necessary — a very quick lesson in brain structure. 

For our purposes, the human brain can be roughly divided into the ancient/animal brain and the new/rational brain.  As you might guess, the animal brain controls our most basic functions, emotions, and responses — “Ug must eat, Ug envy Og for food, Ug must club Og to get food.”  (Grammar apparently wasn’t very sophisticated in Ug’s and Og’s day.)  As you might further surmise, this part of the brain is not too concerned with mitigating circumstances.  The new part of the brain, is much more nuanced — “I certainly am hungry and Mr. Og Jones has quite the bounty.  I am much stronger than Og, so I could just take his food.  But, Og trapped and prepared that food making it rightfully his.  If I simply took his food, then there would be no trust amongst neighbors and therefore no basis for a civic life, no basis for ethical behavior…”  So Og is safe because we have logic to save us from fight or flight, right?  Well, not quite. 

Here are the other facts you may not know: the animal brain is incredibly fast and tends to deal with the most urgent needs like eating; the new brain is much, much slower and tends to deal with more esoteric needs such as the meaning of life or the condition of man.  As it turns out, the newer brain is incredibly powerless against the old brain when strong emotions and the impulsive actions they drive are in question.  This is as it should be because “Tiger! Run!” really ought to win over “Why must the tiger eat meat?  What is its motivation?”

So, when you tell us, “you have nothing to be depressed about; you have food, a lovely family, a good job, a nice car, …” when we are contending with “everyone hates me and I have no reason to live, so I should club myself, …” your words just don’t have a chance.  Our subjective reality has hijacked our psyche and no amount of evidence from your absolute reality will change that.  Much better is to accept the fact of our crisis, help us through it, and only afterwards bring us back to your world of facts and statistics.  And with that, I shall begin my list:

Suggestion 0: Acknowledge how the patient feels right now and save the debate for Hanity and Colmes.

Suggestion 1: Stick to the script on the safety plan.  (Remember suggestion 0, don’t argue!  Just stick to the script.)  Don’t have the safety plan?  Then, you aren’t on the patient’s list of go to people; get over it.  If they don’t have a safety plan, then suggest they formulate one with their therapist before the next crisis comes. 

Suggestion 2: Ask the patient what you can do to help them, but don’t expect a good answer.  Then, make suggestions of things you think might help.  This will hopefully spawn a constructive conversation that, in and of itself, will be helpful and may even yield useful actions for you or the patient or both.

Suggestion 3: Don’t belittle us, don’t guilt trip us (yeah, well, it’s a verb now!), and don’t compare us to Middle-eastern Jihadists.  Suicide may be immoral and stupid in your mind, but obviously it isn’t in ours.  Appealing to our sense of guilt and shame is almost always the exact opposite of what we need to hear.  I have never thought to myself, “Gee, you’re right.  Suicide is an unforgivable sin.  What kind of a man takes the coward’s way out?  What kind of father would even consider abandoning his kids like this?  I hate myself for who I have become.  Won’t you please take this gun out of my hand?”

Suggestion 4: Be yourself, and no one else.  Be a friend that cares for us; be a family member that cares for us (rare, but it happens); just don’t try to be a savior.  You aren’t likely to save us — something only we can do — so your efforts will at best fall on deaf ears and at worst make us feel pathetic.  Save your cable t.v. psychobable for the singles bar because it will probably do more harm than good in a real situation.  (Sorry to be so blunt, but we are paying someone else $150/hr. for their years of training and education in this area; your arm chair psychology is worth … well … what we paid for it.)

Suggestion 5: Actually listen to what we have to say.  Don’t call us with your generous offer of support, then get engrossed in a football game while we are opening up to you (rare, but it happens).  Do you know the old song, “Mister Cellophane“?  Most suicidal people feel like that.  Don’t add to the problem.

I’m all out of suggestions for now.  I could think of more I suppose, but it’s 1:30 am and I am thinking about getting back to work after seven weeks off, so I’d better choose sleep over profundity.  Hopefully, we will get a lot of comments so the F&F can get a sense of what they might do to help.  We know you care, so read up and show us how much you care.

Good night everyone (that wasn’t a euphimism, so don’t get depressed).  I am looking forward to reading the comments of other silk folk and the thoughts of their F&F.  I know this is not easy for F&F — it may even be the hardest thing you ever have to do in a relationship (sexual acts not withstanding) — but you can do it.

-Ashley

Don’t tell me

Don’t tell me you care for me.  Clearly, you don’t.  Don’t tell me you feel my pain.  Cearly, you can’t.  Don’t say you will always be there for me.  Clearly, you won’t.

Words have power only when they convey truth — truth as it is, not as you wish it to be. So don’t say anything to me if your actions betray your words. If you must say these things to help you sleep at night, then say it to yourself, but spare me your idle words of support.  It hurts more to uncover a well-intentioned lie than to endure an unwelcome truth.

And, I am hurt. And, my wounds drip the will to live. And, I watch the gathering puddle as it slowly disappears into the ground below me.  And, as I sink into the mud, I think about how deep the bog has become, the innumerous drops needed to create such an inescapable pit, the countless bleeding wounds from which they spilled.

So, don’t tell me anything; simply show me what you feel.

The “S” word (Suicide)

Suicide.  There, I’ve said it.  You can try it to.  Trust me, it won’t kill you.  Nor will it kill the person with whom you associate it.  It’s just a word.  It has no special powers beyond the specific definition it encapsulates.  We hender acceptance of the disease when we use euphemisms such as “ended it all,” “gave up,” and (my personnal favorite) “took the cowards way out.”
The same goes for “depression,” “bi-polar,” “manic depression,” “suicidal,” “attempted suicide,” “mental health hospital,” etc.  These do not need to be exchanged for “feeling down,” “moody,” “mercurial” (although, that word is kind of cool), etc.

When we give the word special power to turn down eyes and stifle conversation, we give up on communication in the most direct and honest way.  No one ever says “heart disease” with a whisper and an anxious look around the room.  Consequently, we can talk openly about heart disease without fear of killing the party or being crossed off next year’s Christmas list.  Heart disease has been normalized as has tuberculosis, broken bones, and cancer.  Indeed, even spinal meningitis doesn’t carry the social stigma associated with “depression” and “suicide.”  Let’s say the words, let’s talk about the problem, let’s discuss the social and emotional implications, let’s get it out of the closet.

Altogether now:

“Suicide” it’s not such an evil word.
“Suicide” not the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
“Suicide” can kill you like a heart attack.
“Suicide” ignore it, but it’s coming back.

“Depression” it’s just another bad disease.
“Depression” say it over till you say it with ease.
“Depression” will get you if you don’t take care.
“Depression” it’s treatable, so don’t dispair.

Keep singing this until the words roll off your tongue.  The next person who calls to check on me had better say, “Hey, I heard you were suicidal.  How’s that going?  Have you found a good doctor yet?”  Well, for now I’ll settle for “Wow, suicide.  Man, that’s tough.  So … how about them Bears?!”

Paying Attention

I was upset last night—very upset.  On my way to the bathroom, I slipped a martini glass under a spare shirt.  I didn’t ultimately do anything with it, but when I put the glass down on the way home, my friends just assumed I stole it from the club for fun.  The truth is I had fully intended to never come out of that bathroom again, not with my blood anyway.

This morning, my friends thought it incredibly funny that I stole a glass from the club.  I was thinking to myself, “I wouldn’t have stolen it if I had remembered that I already had a knife in my pocket.”

Watch your suicidal friends very closely.  If they do something odd or inexplicable, it’s probably time to put on your thinking caps to figure out if there is any way the action could be a precursor to suicide.  Odds are pretty good that there is a “method in their madness.”