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Entries categorized as ‘existence’

Why Do People Like Us Even Exist?

18 August 2007 · 13 Comments

I am a strong believer in evolution and, as such, I have always wondered why some of the deadlier mental illnesses have survived the weeding out process. I read one article that proposed a possible answer that also incorporates the link between creativity and madness (documented in very good studies, by the way).

I wish I could find the original article (it is probably one of Redfield-Jamison’s) because I’m going to give a 2nd grader version of the original thoughts. Oh well, better to get the idea out than to wait until I get organized! Just think of this as the trailer for an article you’ll want to find yourself. So, here goes:

Since mentally ill people are generally less concerned with staying “in the box,”* at least when they are most ill, they are more likely to see solutions to problems that others think are unsolvable. I’m thinking here of mania and hallucinations — I have no idea what benefits depression brings; maybe better designs for mattresses. What seems possible, even obvious, to a sick person is way out of bounds for normal people.

Regular Joe: “No, silly, we can’t get across this gorge. It’s impossible. Let’s just go around.”

Sick Joe: “Yeah, but what if there were two massive columns holding up enormously thick ropes that held other ropes, which held up long planks of wood … You’re right; that is stupid. I’m stupid. I have nothing to live for…” Sick Joe’s idea, later credited to Regular Joe.

Therefore, even though a very high percentage of these people end up killing themselves, their usefulness to society could have already been substantial. Maybe that’s also why chicks dig even the ugliest artists — to keep their creative qualities in the gene pool.

I find it interesting that sick people generally kill themselves after reaching sexual maturity, giving them just enough time to make some sort of contribution to society. A moment’s thought will yield the obvious biological explanation for this. I just think it is interesting how elegant evolution solves the problem of species optimization.

*In America, managers are always telling people to “think outside the box.” When we do, though, they quickly admonish you for not being realistic. “It’s all that book knowledge you depend on. You would have learned more if you spent that time working in the real world.” Days later, “Yes, sir. That was MY idea. My trusty employees checked out the numbers to make sure MY idea was workable…”

Categories: bi-polar mood disorder · depression · existence · humor · issues · life · mental illness · philosophy · suicidality · thoughts

The Will to Recover

30 July 2007 · 4 Comments

This is probably one of those topics that patients have considered quite deeply and one that victims may have thought about but never voiced.  I want to talk about the curious phenomenon of not really wanting to get better.  Yes, you heard (or read) me correctly: sometimes, even after a failed suicide attempt, patients find it very difficult to begin the process of recovery.

We want to be better of course, but the third phase of life is quite a bit different than the life we have been living for so long.  I know this won’t be true of everyone, but I think it is for quite a lot of us: life before now has been one of constant emotional turbulence with thoughts of suicide always near at hand, life now is consumed by thoughts of suicide–the ultimate “Get out of jail free card,” life in the future will be completely unrecognizable … maybe.

I cannot even imagine what a life free of depression, insecurity, anxiety, and suicidality would be like.  I have been sick for so long, it feels like a part of who I am–an integral piece of my personna.  In college, I had that dark, contemplative thing going.  Not exactly popular with the sorority crowd, buy something of “charm” in the tree-hugger liberal crowds with whom I ran.  It was cool in that respect.  It’s not so cool now that I have children, a mortgage and retirement looming ahead.  Shaking it though is not as easy as recognizing the need for a change.

I am also guilty of using my illness as a crutch.  How can I not, given that the crutch has become part of my body?  If I lay around in bed all Sunday, is it because I am depressed or because I didn’t want to work on those cabinets in the basement?  Difficult to say.  Probably a little bit of depression and a little bit of habit.  Perhaps laziness in the morning leading to depression in the afternoon due to being such a loser for staying in bed all morning.  (The chicken and egg conundrum is appropriate here.)

Lisa had a very good paragraph or two expounding this issue.  I couldn’t find the e-mail in which she related this idea to me, so I hope she will post them as a comment to this blog entry.

I know I haven’t done such a good job of this blog entry.  I hope to do better next time, but right now, I just can’t seem to get out of bed long enough to write for more than ten minutes at a time.

Categories: coping · depression · existence · issues · life · pain · recovery · suicidality · thoughts