I’ve been suicidally depressed since the 3rd grade–almost 30 years. Why? I have what most Americans commonly want: a family, a good job, a good home, a rags-to-riches story. I have no good reasons for being suicidal. But, suicide isn’t at all reasonable. Nevertheless, if you listen closely enough, you can understand it.
With several failed, aborted and intervened suicide attempts under my built, I am somewhat of an expert in the field. I have been in three different hospitals; talked to countless patients; attended many group and individual therapy sessions; and read pretty much everything published about suicide, depression, bi-polar disorder, the pursuit of happiness, and the meaning of life. I know a lot about how to stay alive despite my illness and, yet, I can’t shake the feeling that life would be better if it were simply over.
Nevertheless, I am committed to staying alive–not for my own sake, but for the sake of my children, who do not deserve to live in misery just because I chose not to. I can only hope that compassion is enough to keep me alive–if not existentially, then at least physically.
3 responses so far ↓
Ashley // 30 July 2007 at 5:52 pm
Oh, get over it. You aren’t so special. Why don’t you just suck it up and stand tall like a real man. If you are as old as you say you are, then it’s a little past the time for feeling sorry for yourself. It’s called being a grown up.
louphoria // 30 August 2007 at 12:24 pm
Congratulations on what you’re doing here i2w, it’s a wonderfully courageous and progressive thing to do, you have my heartfelt respect. As someone who’s encountered suicide far too often I understand your motivation to do this and think it’s a much needed, helpful, and altruistic thing to do and you deserve the highest commendation for it. I hope many people read your blog. Thank you.
crazyasuka // 23 January 2008 at 12:58 pm
Please let us know when you come back. I hope you’re okay.