At the risk of jeopardizing my disability status, let me say once and for all, “I am not suicidal!” Perhaps it is a limitation of the English language that we can inadvertently become the adjectives used to describe our behavior and feelings. So let me be clear: I have attempted suicide. I have thought a lot about suicide. I still think about committing suicide far more often than I like to admit. But I am not suicidal.
I am just Ashley. Long before I began my struggles with suicidality, I was, and hopefully long after, I will be, just Ashley. And, Ashley, if you care to get to know (or remember) him, is a pretty cool guy … .
6 responses so far ↓
ideas2words // 30 May 2008 at 7:27 pm
There is no need to run, nor any need to fear, knowing me. I won’t bite, I won’t make you suicidal, I won’t “take you with me.” And, you won’t make me suicidal, you can’t say or do the wrong thing (you know the one: the one that finally pushes me over the edge), you won’t make me do anything—I’m afraid you simply aren’t that powerful.
Anonymous // 30 May 2008 at 8:10 pm
thinking about suicide and actually being suicidal get jumbled in most people’s mind who know very little about any of this. Even if they live with someone who suffers. They usually claim to be the authority on it.
I don’t know if anyone really believes anyone makes anyone really suicidal. Who would think anyone can take down anyone else. If so they are not thinking. No one is that powerful over us. Who would believe it. Why would u think someone thinks they are that powerful over you?
Others have been very powerful over me and I would blame them. Once I figure out I have the power over me I will never let it go. I am
Our actions and words can hurt others a lot so that we need to think about but not think we hold all the weight
Anonymous // 30 May 2008 at 8:19 pm
Sorry you are so mad!!!
–same anonymous person
ideas2words // 30 May 2008 at 9:27 pm
I guess that sounds pretty angry; and maybe it is. I wasn’t terribly distressed when I wrote it. I was thinking more of the F&F that walk on egg shells around me as if anything they say or do could be the proverbial straw that breaks this camels back. Re being powerful enough to “make” someone do anything, the point I was trying to make is that I am ultimately responsible for my actions. If your comments, actions, or in-actions are the proximate cause of something terribly I decide to do, well it is still my decision. The good news is my decisions have been a lot less dramatic lately—still a little sketchy to be sure, but nothing for the front page.
Anonymous // 30 May 2008 at 10:05 pm
I will not hurt myself but I am so hurt and angry I am with someone who is angry and cannot see himself for who he really is or what he has done. He twists things and tries to control me with lies to me and others. I feel alone. i need the courage to break free
crazyasuka // 14 July 2008 at 10:13 am
Aww! Why am I not getting updates of this blog! AHHH! I missed 3 posts!
Hello Ashley. How are you doing?
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