That’s right: an addiction. Suicide pops into my head now at the least hint of anxiety. It’s like a craving—strike that—it is a craving, every bit as much as an alcoholic’s craving for his drink of choice, every bit as much as a sex addict’s craving for “old time’s sake.” When an addict indulges, it is indulgence in fantasy, indulgence in the escape, indulgence in avoiding reality. To be sure, we may consciously want something else—to get high, to get laid/loved, to get rich, to “end the pain”—but soon enough, our brains are awash in their own concoction of feel-good drugs. So, whether it’s a so-called chemical addiction or process addiction you struggle with, it is, more than anything else, an addiction to certain neuro-transmitters that renders us powerless.
The obvious next question is this: if you are addicted to suicidal feelings, how do you get sober? Well, my friends, I wish I knew. In fact, I wish I knew RIGHT NOW because I’m in pretty f*%@n’ bad shape… .
8 responses so far ↓
» It’s an addiction // 18 May 2008 at 1:13 am
[...] sliloh wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptThat’s right: an addiction. Suicide pops into my head now at the least hint of anxiety. It’s like a craving—strike that—it is a craving, every bit as much as an alcoholic’s craving for his drink of choice, every bit as much as a sex addict’s craving for “old time’s sake.” When an addict indulges, it is indulgence in fantasy, indulgence in the escape, indulgence in avoiding reality. To be sure, we may consciously want something else—to get high, to get laid/loved, to get rich, to “end the pain”—but soon enough, our brains are awash in their own concoction of feel-good drugs. So, whether it’s a so-called chemical addiction or process addiction you struggle with, it is, more than anything else, an addiction to certain neuro-transmitters that renders us powerless. The obvious next question is this: if you are addicted to suicidal feelings, how do you get sober? Well, my friends, I […] [...]
» It’s an addiction // 18 May 2008 at 1:18 am
[...] [Technorati] Tag results for mental illness wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptThat’s right: an addiction. Suicide pops into my head now at the least hint of anxiety. It’s like a craving—strike that—it is a craving, every bit as much as an alcoholic’s craving for his drink of choice, every bit as much as a sex addict’s craving for “old time’s sake.” When an addict indulges, it […] [...]
withserendipity // 19 May 2008 at 6:40 pm
Do you think it is possible to have the addiction but without the “fix”? Maybe that is what keeps things going.
ideas2words // 19 May 2008 at 8:05 pm
There is an old saying in AA: One drink is too many, and a thousand is not enough. This means having even one drink is a problem because it inevitably leads to another and another, until even a thousand just isn’t enough. The thousandth drink, while certainly problematic, is not the problem; it is just a problem. The first drink is the problem.
I might say, then, “Thinking passively about suicide is too much, and attempting suicide is not enough.” In other words, however lightly I might dwell upon the notion of suicide—even something as innocent as “Is suicide ever justified?” or “I wish I didn’t have to wake up and deal with that problem”—my brain, the addict’s brain, will turn on the flow of feel-good chemicals and I will already be on the slippery slope of suicidality, the bottom of which is a (possibly successful) suicide attempt. So, sobriety for me is just saying “no” to suicidal thoughts of any kind. In particular, it means distracting myself with something, anything, at the first sign of suicidal thinking—stinkin’ thinkin’, as addicts like to say.
crazyasuka // 14 July 2008 at 11:25 am
Maybe I am addicted to depression. I don’t know who I am without it…
Nick // 8 August 2008 at 6:12 pm
I feel like this too, it’s the only comforting thought to me right now. I hope you find a way to get past it.
Nick // 8 August 2008 at 6:14 pm
oops didn’t realise this was an old post
ideas2words // 8 August 2008 at 9:26 pm
Thanks for writing in, Nick. It may be an old post, but it is unfortunately still on on-going description of my life. Your comment triggered a message to my email, which turned out to be just the reminder I needed to get through the night. It’s just a craving. It’ll go away soon.
Nick, I hope you continue to win out over those diseased thoughts.