That’s right: an addiction. Suicide pops into my head now at the least hint of anxiety. It’s like a craving—strike that—it is a craving, every bit as much as an alcoholic’s craving for his drink of choice, every bit as much as a sex addict’s craving for “old time’s sake.” When an addict indulges, it is indulgence in fantasy, indulgence in the escape, indulgence in avoiding reality. To be sure, we may consciously want something else—to get high, to get laid/loved, to get rich, to “end the pain”—but soon enough, our brains are awash in their own concoction of feel-good drugs. So, whether it’s a so-called chemical addiction or process addiction you struggle with, it is, more than anything else, an addiction to certain neuro-transmitters that renders us powerless.
The obvious next question is this: if you are addicted to suicidal feelings, how do you get sober? Well, my friends, I wish I knew. In fact, I wish I knew RIGHT NOW because I’m in pretty f*%@n’ bad shape… .
