Automatic Thoughts

Nobody loves me.
I’m all alone.
Suicide is better than living a life of misery.
Everyone will be better off without me.
I’m not getting any better.
I’ll show them! They are going to suffer with the guilt of driving me to suicide…
The kids will grieve of course, but they will be better off with a new father than having to deal with someone like me for the rest of their lives.
No one understands me even though I have been telling them for years what I am going through.
They don’t want to understand. They just want me to get better, or just get it over with.
It was God’s will that I suffer to the point of suicide. I don’t have the faith of Job, so my punishment is death.
There is no meaning in life, so whether I’m alive or dead doesn’t make a damn bit of difference.
Secretly, I think most people want me to kill myself so I would stop messing up their lives.
Secretly, I don’t want to get better because being suicidal makes me special. If only the rest of the population stopped to think about how miserable they were, they would want to kill themselves also. They just aren’t capable of introspection and deep existential analysis.
The list goes on and on. Right now, thankfully, I just want to go to sleep–the kind you wake up from.

One last thought: A thought might pop into my head just out of habit, but that does not mean I have to act on it (again, out of habit). The thought only suggests an action; it does not mandate it. And so I choose to ignore those thoughts just I would ignore the idiot drivers that don’t let me in or cut me off to shave three or four seconds off their travel time.

Suicidal no more? Suicidal not now. I’ll take that.