Well, I’m going to check myself in today. The last couple of days have been pretty rough and I don’t know if I can make it through another lonely night. I will talk to my doctor about doing only the partial program instead of the full day. If you don’t hear from me for a while, you’ll know it was the latter. And, if you don’t ever hear from me again, you’ll know I took the third option.
It’s funny, I started this blog with the handle “Suicidal No More” — optimism springs eternal, or was it just sardonic word play? Either way, I can no longer continue the masquerade. I’m still sick. I guess I’ll always be sick. That points to a question always in the back of my mind: who would want to live like this for the rest of their life? I sure as hell don’t. Is that the disease talking? Or simply the voice of reason? I know what my doctor would say; what would you say — you who have been in the bog?
Thank you all for reading my silly little blog. It really has meant a lot to me.
-Ashley
14 responses so far ↓
kristinbell // 17 August 2007 at 7:33 am
umm. don’t kill yourself. that is a bad plan. I was depressed for literally years AND I have schizophrenia, but I am doing much better now and I am glad to be alive and glad I was bad at trying to kill myself. go to the hospital or something, but don’t kill yourself. it is a bad idea. hang in there.
kristinbell // 17 August 2007 at 7:49 am
Sorry. My comment must sound so trite and stupid. But it is my best advice. I used to think about suicide all the time and I used to make attempts rather half-heartedly and frequently. It all stopped one day when I was helped by medication. It was literally like day and night. I’m not saying it could happen for you like that. You are different with different issues, feelings and brain chemicals. But, as a new reader I thought I’d put me plea in that you not kill yourself and instead continue blogging when you are able to get out of bed. Well, I hope you are okay.
ideas2words // 17 August 2007 at 9:40 am
Thanks Kristin. Your words were not stupid or trite; they were just what I needed.
I am in the hospital now. I will try to keep you up to date through this blog (as if anyone cares).
-Ashley
ybonesy // 17 August 2007 at 5:00 pm
I found your blog through Liz, The Backstage Grumbler. I read six posts. I think you are brave. For sharing your pain.
Bill // 17 August 2007 at 5:26 pm
I’m glad you’re doing this and I’m sure it’s not easy for you. Stick to it even if it becomes your life’s work for a while. Getting through this problem, whatever it is should be your top priority. I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
Love, Your brother.
cherished79 // 17 August 2007 at 5:32 pm
Ashley, I’m thinking about you. The hospital thing I’ve done so many times over, and only you will know what I mean by this but sometimes, I really didn’t want to be ’safe’. I really didn’t care. But we don’t want to lose you either, and there really is a future; and I’m not saying that to patronize, there really is.
Black is all I saw for too many days/months/years, and picking yourself up - whoa - quite the feat. For me it was the pdoc and the meds. I was lucky and a I hope the same happens for you. Please just remember and keep saying this - this is not your fault, then again why would it be - who would wish themselves an illness such as this. Take care and please keep us posted. Pardon me, but I am not a religious person, so I will not use “you are in my prayers”, but you get the gist of it.
Deb
MeanGuy // 17 August 2007 at 6:03 pm
How do we know this drama queen isn’t just fishing for symptahy? I think you are all just playing in her hands when you send you well wishes like this.
Hey IDEAS, get over yourself. While your at it, get some new ideas to put into words.
MeanGuy // 17 August 2007 at 6:08 pm
How pathetic. Can’t you find any friends without crying? Do you have any friends that don’t feel sorry for you? Would they even be your freinds if you weren’t a baskit casse?????
Liz // 18 August 2007 at 12:51 am
@Meanguy,
You “played into her (sic) hands as well” by commenting and TWICE, I might add. If you think ideas2words is just “fishing for sympathy” then don’t bite. You’re an irony, sir.
@Ashley,
Get well. Hang in there (pun intended).
Ray // 18 August 2007 at 1:13 am
I have taken my time to keep visiting your blog. Seems you have been into this for a long time and i would like to express my admiration because writing all this stuff requires bravery. IMHO you should give the life a go. You’re a smart person, you know the cause, you know the consequences, you probably know more than many doctors you have met and hence you know most of the answers. Problem is that life is not only answers! life is action too. All this sounds like cliche but that’s my wish, hope ya find the way to feed your courage, dude.
ideas2words // 18 August 2007 at 1:57 am
My first reaction to meanguy was “Fock you! I’ll show you who’s faking it!!” What’s worse than letting some jerk feel like he was right?
Well, after careful consideration, I figured out that proving everyone else wrong was worse. I don’t owe jackasses like MeanGuy anything. I do owe my kids something though — my life. They deserve nothing less. I also owe all my well wishers a big “Thanks!” Most of you don’t know me from Adam. In fact, I could be Adam and you wouldn’t know it. Or I could be Adam, but not the one you know. Or … Sorry, got a little sidetracked there. Adam or Ashley, the point is you don’t know me, but that didn’t stop you from feeling compassion for me. That means a lot to me. It also points out a huge error in my estimate of American society: people DO care, they just need to be given an opportunity to show it.
I had pretty much given up on this country (hence the sudden trip to Geneva), but maybe I ought to give it a little more time.Of course, this is the Internet, so you all may in fact be Genevois.
Anyway, I am out of the hospital for the weekend so that I can see my kids before they go to Hell, Im sorry, before they go to Houston (it only feels like hell). I may go back to the hospital on Monday. I don’t really want to , but since what I want to do doesn’t seem to be very popular these days, I really don’t have a choice, do I? You know I so easily give in to peer pressure.
I’ll keep you posted. Again, thanks. Ray, you even had something nice to say; they may have to take away your Troll membership card.
oeah // 21 August 2007 at 4:21 pm
hey, i have been going through the same thing. and i have even started cutting myself again. i alway that each time i start this again i am closer to digging deeper. and well we both know what happens when we go too deep. I dont even have a doctor. the few weeks before shit REALLY hit the fan, in anticipation of things getting worse, i was looking for a doctor, but insurance … no help at all and i am far too poor to do it alone.
I was told this mornign that i sound very bad and that i need to check myself into the hospital, but i am not ready yet to lose my job, which i fear will most certainly happen if i have to go inpatient. so i am suffering alone.
i hope that you are doing better. i would love to keep in touch with you and talk with you more since we seem to be very similar.
you can read my blog also. i just started it, but i write in it a billion times a day b/c i have nothing else to do and no one else to talk to. and i have no one who reads it, even though i constantly check (just to reassure myself of just how pathetic and lonely i really am
) … anyways its http://www.oeah.wordpress.com
i’ll keep checking with you if you’d like.
ideas2words // 21 August 2007 at 5:48 pm
I’m always happy to have a new reader — well, as happy as I can be these days! I’ll check out your blog tonight.
Re losing your job, if you live in America, I can tell you with 100% certainty that you cannot get fired for going in-patient as we mentally ill people are one of the protected classes of people listed in the Americans With Disabilities Act. Well, I suppose you can still get fired; but, if you do, you can very easily sue the company for a lot of money (and I mean a LOT of money). So, get yourself to a hospital. Call around, there is certainly a non-profit hospital that has to accept uninsured and broke patients. Get the help you need.
It’s futile trying to get through this thing on your own. By the sound of your comment, you are already at the bottom of your death spiral. From experience, I can tell you that there is almost nothing you can do by yourself at that point. The cutting may help numb the internal pain, but eventually it won’t be enough.
grievingallthelittlestuff // 25 August 2007 at 9:27 am
Just discovered your blog. Hope the clinic is helping. Ironic - sort of like you, I started my blog w/ the idea of finally kicking this on my own, only to realize it’s probably not going to happen that way. Hoping to at least do things responsibly, if I can hold out that long. Right now I feel like I’m pre-grieving my own death and the blog is a tool for that. Kübler-Ross wrote about this process in terminally ill patients. The process is sort of my last gift to myself.
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