It has almost become cliché to discribe depression as feeling “surrounded by darkness.” I say “almost” because in this case, there really is no better description. But what does it mean exactly to be surrounded in darkness? What does it feel like? Is it the feeling of uneasiness you have when you must cross a familiar room in total darkness; or the terror you feel when walking down a dark alley; or the anxiety you sense when you are walking back to camp through the woods at night? For me it is a little of all of these, but at its worst it is much more.
I have used this description in some of my other writings before this blog, so I hope my friends and family will forgive me. I simply can’t think of a better metaphor for describing my dark place.
When I am feeling my lowest, when I am in the darkest places of my psyche, I am absolutely terrified to move, take any action, make any decision. I am engulfed in an impossibly thick fog, so thick that I can’t even see where I am standing. The only reason I know I am on firm ground is because I am not falling yet. I know that I cannot stay where I am, that I must move forward; but I cannot decide in which direction I should step. There doesn’t appear to be a path — good or bad — in any direction. But eventually I have to move, so I only move when and only as far as I must. The fear of stepping onto a deadly path or, indeed, if there will be anything to catch my step, is nearly paralyzing. In my depressed state, the bog in which I am currently lost is endless in all directions, scattered with misfortune, and all too likely to lead to The End.
If you have a sickness in your stomach imagining this nightmare, then welcome to the Dark Place of my life. Of course, that is only a small taste. The feeling of utter hopelessness is the next ingredient you must add. And, after that, you must add loneliness, lethargy, exhaustion from insomnia, … If only one ingredient made you sick, then perhaps it would be best to just read the recipe rather than tasting the full meal.
One parting thought for TDHP: do not believe for a moment that we want to be depressed or suicidal, that this is a choice we have made to avoid the vagaries of life.
