This is probably one of those topics that patients have considered quite deeply and one that victims may have thought about but never voiced. I want to talk about the curious phenomenon of not really wanting to get better. Yes, you heard (or read) me correctly: sometimes, even after a failed suicide attempt, patients find it very difficult to begin the process of recovery.
We want to be better of course, but the third phase of life is quite a bit different than the life we have been living for so long. I know this won’t be true of everyone, but I think it is for quite a lot of us: life before now has been one of constant emotional turbulence with thoughts of suicide always near at hand, life now is consumed by thoughts of suicide–the ultimate “Get out of jail free card,” life in the future will be completely unrecognizable … maybe.
I cannot even imagine what a life free of depression, insecurity, anxiety, and suicidality would be like. I have been sick for so long, it feels like a part of who I am–an integral piece of my personna. In college, I had that dark, contemplative thing going. Not exactly popular with the sorority crowd, buy something of “charm” in the tree-hugger liberal crowds with whom I ran. It was cool in that respect. It’s not so cool now that I have children, a mortgage and retirement looming ahead. Shaking it though is not as easy as recognizing the need for a change.
I am also guilty of using my illness as a crutch. How can I not, given that the crutch has become part of my body? If I lay around in bed all Sunday, is it because I am depressed or because I didn’t want to work on those cabinets in the basement? Difficult to say. Probably a little bit of depression and a little bit of habit. Perhaps laziness in the morning leading to depression in the afternoon due to being such a loser for staying in bed all morning. (The chicken and egg conundrum is appropriate here.)
Lisa had a very good paragraph or two expounding this issue. I couldn’t find the e-mail in which she related this idea to me, so I hope she will post them as a comment to this blog entry.
I know I haven’t done such a good job of this blog entry. I hope to do better next time, but right now, I just can’t seem to get out of bed long enough to write for more than ten minutes at a time.
