Seductive Suicide

In Cherished79’s excellent account of one of her suicide attempts (http://cherished79.wordpress.com/2007/07/05/suicide-the-taboo-word/), she mentioned how seductive suicidal ideation is. I cannot agree more with her on this point.

I don’t think TDHP (those damn healthy people) fully appreciate the degree to which suicide is not only a real solution, but indeed a very seductive solution to those of us who have been in pain for so long, to those for whom “tomorrow” is a four-letter word. “Yeah, and then I have to go through it all again tomorrow….”

I have often thought of my suicidality as something of an addiction. I use it as a coping mechanism for hopelessness and impotence–-a bad one, of course (right?), but one that is there no matter the circumstance. “I may not have a bright future and I may not have the power to feel better or to change this or that asshole, but I do have power over whether or not I will continue to suffer through it all.”

Recovering alcoholics often say, “One drink is too many, 100 is not enough.” It is the same with my addiction to merciful death. If I entertain the thought for even one moment, it grabs me and holds my attention until I’m walking through the door, keys in hand, intending to drive … well, let’s just say “not into the sunset.” I don’t have the luxury of thinking to myself something so meaningless as, “If I have to listen to him complain one more time, I’m going to kill myself!” As harmless as this one thought is to TDHP, it is one thought too many for me.