Victim’s Lament

I will be writing from a typical victim’s perspective in this posting.

One of the things that really drives me crazy about my suicidal friend/child/spouse is that he seems capable of creating the conditions that support his moods. He often complains that he is all alone in the world. Then he pushes all of his friends away and alienates his family. After a while, he really is all alone because he has isolated himself on his own little island. “I am a Rock. I am an I-i-i-island.” – PS & AG

Another example. He puts on music to match his mood. So, when he is sad, he puts on sad music–”Because We’ve Ended as Lovers,” “You Don’t Know Me,” “Soul Suckers,” etc.–which makes him feel what? Can you guess? Yes, sad!

Why not put on some James Brown or Beastie Boys. You can’t possibly feel down with “Pappa’s Gotta Brand New Bag” groovin’ in the background. There is a good reason why they don’t play “Bloody Mary” at dance clubs and parties: they don’t want everyone thinking about, that’s right, suicide!

Stop working against yourself. Let us in. I know we don’t really “get it,” but we do care and we want you to be in our lives for years to come.

Mentally Ill and Writing Brilliantly Nonetheless

I just stumbled across a fantastic blog about mental illness which I found fascinating and very well written (http://cherished79.wordpress.com/). This sparked a thought that I have not had in a very long time: just because I’m sick doesn’t mean I’m incompetent. I have not been much of the Wonder Boy these past six months, but before that, I was quite good at my job and, at the risk of sounding immodest, a great many other things as well. I had somehow allowed my recent crisis to edge me into that most hopeless of places “utter worthlessness.” I was absolutely convinced as recently as yesterday that I had nothing left to offer, that I was simply taking up space in the world, living purely out of habit. At one point I was even trying to decide if my kids would be better off with the money from my life insurance policy or with me for a father for the rest of their lives. Is this not obviously insane? For some, but not for everyone.

I bet many of my fellow patients have had similar thoughts. Those thoughts slip in remarkably easily for the depressed. It’s like that drink that really was “too much.” Not the last one which is rather obvious in its arrival as it is usually accompanied by … well, you get the picture. No, a dark thought is rather more like that drink somewhere between “just grand” and “whew, I’d better slow down.” Certainly much before “I’ll never drink again.” That critical drink, the tipping point, slips in without the slightest hesitation for consideration and judgment. And that’s precisely how it snares you. These thoughts of utter worthlessness are insidious–and deadly.

I have always read that depressed and bi-polar people were more creative and artistically accomplished than the general population. I don’t know if this is true or not. The truth of the matter, though, is irrelevant. I suspect we are at least as capable as the general population when we are stable, but even that is not relevant. Whether we are better or worse than the general population, we are good at something and there is value in that, even if it is only existential. Many philosophers have offered the pursuit of happiness as The meaning of life. Obviously, their conceptions of “happiness” varied substantially, but the point is still valid: it’s the pursuit, the action, the doing that is important. The outcome will be whatever it must be, but we are never worthless so long as we can move our limbs or our thoughts.

So, go forth and add more verbs to your diary; I can tell you from recent experience it is a hell of lot better than staying inside and staring at the walls all day. It costs a bit more, but, as they say, “you get what you pay for.”

Those damn healthy people!

This is a subject near and dear to me and, having discussed this with many patients in various hospitals over the years, I know it is something a lot of other patients think about as well. Our friends and family want to help, they really do; I applaud their courage to even acknowledge what is going on, let alone actually reaching out to us in our time of crisis. But, for crying out loud, try to see things from the patient’s point of view before throwing out some inane, banal, or down right dangerous “words of support.”

Suicide is a very serious issue–certainly an issue we patients have thought A LOT about. Please give it its due. Book up, meditate, ruminate, pray or whatever you do before, say, deciding to have a child. And, no, what you’ve seen on t.v. or movies is not enough. Patients rarely, dare I say never, think about, attempt, and ultimately recover from a suicide attempt in one hour minus time for commercials. The miraculous revelations, the advice not previously considered, the Swedish doctor specializing in hypnosis who just happens to be in town visiting his grandson–these resolutions to suicidality are complete rubbish.

I have been depressed for about 28 years, suicidal off and on throughout most of that time, and attempted suicide five times. My family has not been in the dark all this time (that being my job), so this is not news to them. Yet, they still say “Was this a cry for help?” every time I end up in the hospital. Dear god, if I hear that one more time, I will be homicidal instead of suicidal. Hey, healthy people, suicide attempts are almost never “simply a cry for help.” I’ve had many doctors, been in many groups and discussed motivations with many, many patients; never have we discussed “crying for help” other than to voice our frustration with it. This is just one of the most obvious things t.v. pushes that is patently absurb.

What’s another one? Let me see… Ah, yes: “So, are they going to get your meds right this time?” which is closely related to another favorite “When are you going to get over this and get back to normal?” Guess what, folks. Meds won’t cure this and we aren’t likely to snap out of it some time soon. I have issues here folks. It’s not just a biological predisposition, though that is certainly part of it; it’s that you people have been driving my crazy all my life! Yes, you have something to do with this. I’m not asking you to save me, I’m not even asking you to accept this assertion. I’m just asking you to understand that as screwed up as I am, it’s going to take a while to get better. Other patients have other reasons for getting to their critical limit, but I would bet that very few of them will be able to get some new scripts and walk out the door, never to return. (Incidentally, one of the best indicators of future suicide–remember, suicide means death, not an attempt–is a previous suicide attempt. (See Redfield-Jameson, for example))

What do you think? Am I way off base here or is this something you patients have been thinking for years? All you healthy people, watch the comments to this blog entry (if I am lucky enough to get any at this early stage). Listen to what we say this time. Most of us have probably been telling you this for years, but you really just don’t ever get it. Damn healthy people! I love you, but please listen to what I’m telling you. It may one day save my life.

Welcome message from your Suicide Guide

Welcome All,

If you have stumbled upon this blog by accident, please have a look around. You might pick up a bit of perspective from your favorite suicidal friend or loved one. You almost certainly know someone who is suicidal whether you know it/accept it or not. We are every where! But, some of us are in hiding–in the closet, as you might say–so you may need to look a little deeper into people’s jokes about killing themselves or depressed or hopeless moods. This is not an advice column, but rather a discussion about the humanistic needs and issues suicidal patients and their loved ones care about.

If you have come here on purpose, you likely have some very serious thoughts and observations you would like to share and I welcome you to do just that. To get things rolling, I thought you could use the “comments” feature of blogger to list the topics you would be most interested in discussing. Though I have no idea where this blog may go, I have some guidelines that should help clarify my vision for this blog:

1. Absolutely, positively, no judgment! This rule will be strictly enforced. The last thing we patients need is more guilt or shame. Also note that this blog may reach international audiences, so we cannot assume Judeo-Christian morality. In some cultures, suicide is a perfectly acceptable, and sometimes even honorable, way to die. And, like it or not, we patients have thought about committing suicide and may have a few failed attempts under our belt, so we have considered it the right thing to do at some point in our lives, if only in a relativistic or pragmatic way.

2. No advice! This rule will also be strictly enforced as there really is a lot of lousy, even dangerous, advice out there. I don’t want to be responsible for someone’s following bad advice from my blog to their detriment. There are many good sites dedicated to advice and survival strategies. (There are also a lot of bad dedicated sites out there, so be careful. Stick with folks you know and make sure they aren’t operating on 1950’s theories of the mind.)

3. Nothing medical unless it supports a point you want to make. If you do use medical information, try to give a reference. Remember your audience before posting factual information here. B.s. will rooted out as best as possible, but I can’t do thorough fact checking by myself. If any readers feel they have read some b.s., please post your cited references with the correct information or send it to me if you want to remain anonymous.

4. For the purposes of this blog, “suicide” shall mean “an actual death perpetrated by the deceased,” “victim” is strictly to be used for the friends and family of the deceased, the suicidal person shall be referred to as “the patient” or “the deceased” depending on the results of the attempt, thinking about suicide is “suicidal ideation,” an attempted suicide is either “aborted,” “failed,” or “stopped” depending on the circumstances of the fortunate patient (“stopped” here is for patient-resisted intervention; if someone intervenes and the patient gives in, that is an aborted attempt). To summarize, there is suicidal ideation, suicidal attempts, and suicides–three distinct phases or actions.

5. This is not a democracy. If you don’t like something someone says, debate them respectfully or start your own blog. I won’t generally decide unilaterally to strike a comment unless it is in violation of rules 1 or 2 (and 3 if I know for sure the information is b.s.).

6. Try to be thoughtful. This is a serious subject and I want to have a serious dialogue about the issues seldomly discussed in hospitals and living rooms around the world. Jokes, flames, and other juvenile comments will be heavily scrutinized for possible removal. Having said that, I am a firm believer in jokes regarding suicidality, as long as they are in good taste (see rule 5). We must remember to keep those healthy people engaged, while attending to the fragile recovery some of us may be in.

Off we go then…. (see, that was a joke that I hope no one will find offensive (if I’m wrong, please send me a note))